I was scrolling through social media at our hotel as my (then) 13-year-old son was preparing his uniform and his gear for another long day of travel baseball. I came across a post by a former Major League Baseball player that grabbed my attention. As a Pittsburgh Pirates fan, I was familiar with Travis Snider. He was a 1st round pick of the Toronto Blue Jays, who spent parts of three seasons in Pittsburgh (2012-2014). His post was an 80 second video sharing how complicated our experience is watching our children play sports. As parents, we carry a lot of conscious and subconscious baggage that impacts our perception of our children’s athletic endeavors. The person speaking in the video was Seth Taylor. The author of a book titled Hero: Exploring the Depths of Parenting in the World of Youth Baseball (2023).
Most social media posts are the equivalent of empty calories. We digest the post, but it doesn’t add any value to our lives. This post was different. The timing was perfect. The message was what I needed, when I needed to hear it. By almost any parenting metric, I am a solid father for our son and our daughter. But when it comes to athletics, I can be too competitive, too demanding, and too critical of their performance. Taylor’s short video forced me to reflect on my own athletic experiences and dig deeper to analyze how those early opportunities with high performance was impacting my relationship with our children. I immediately ordered a copy of the book and sent a direct message to Travis Snider about how I struggle to separate my anxiety from my experience watching my children compete.
Within the hour we were at the baseball complex, and I was observing my internal emotions and reflecting on the many irrational responses I’ve had while watching my children navigate the ups and downs of their own athletic journey. I checked my phone before the first pitch and Travis sent me a direct message offering to guide me through the Hero (2023) journey with my son. I shot him a quick message and we setup a time to connect. This chance social media encounter lit a fire within me to address the past so I could help my children in the present. I had the best of intentions, but I wasn’t always what my children needed when it came to enhancing their athletic experience.
The book was in the mailbox before we returned from our baseball “vacation.” I dove into the reflective exercises immediately.
Exercise #1: Remember When
“Remember When” invited the parent to reflect on their earliest athletic experience and whether it was positive or negative. The first memory that jumped to my mind was playing Pinto baseball as a 7-year-old. The coaches pitch and the goal is quite the opposite of striking you out! Nevertheless, I vividly remembered striking out and the consolation prize being the coach bringing out a tee for me to hit from. I was humiliated, and 37 years later the experience stayed with me. Subconsciously, I didn’t want my children to experience that feeling so I pushed them. At times I pushed them too hard and inadvertently created that same sense of embarrassment for them.
Exercise #2: The Watcher
This experience is deeply personal and centers on observing your internal emotions as you watch your child participate. The parent is guided to stay silent throughout this experience. Choosing to watch the game away from the other parents and to sit with their internal thoughts is recommended. Taking time to breathe deeply and slowly as you take in the game and reflect on your emotions related to the experience. This exercise is a challenge, and it will help you identify triggers from your past that materialize as frustration toward your child, the coach, or even the officials. Having a journal to jot down these triggers and feelings will make the unconscious conscious and offer you the opportunity to come to terms with these emotions in a way that doesn’t lead to negative interactions with your child.
Exercise #3: Listening with the Heart
“Listening with the Heart” encourages the parent to create a safe space to have a healthy conversation with their child about their shared relationship with athletics. My son and I took up this challenge and collaboratively designed an environment where he spoke, and I listened. When asked what he loved about sports, he shared, “I love making new friends and being around my current friends. I love the games, the pool after the games, seeing new places, and working to get better. I love the uniforms, the fields, and trying to do the things that my favorite players and teams do. I like the time I spend with you practicing and having you coach me.” When asked what he hated, he shared, “When we travel for tournaments, I wish I could be home with my cousins. I hate when I have a bad game, and you get upset with me. You can be way too critical right after a game, and it bothers me. I worry about what you are going to think about my performance.” The third question asked him to describe what he feels when he hears me cheering. He stated, “When I hear you cheer, it relaxes me. I like to know you are there, but I want it all to be positive.”
The next question asked my son to describe how he ‘feels’ before games and practices and how I could help prepare him for handling those anxious feelings. He shared, “I never get nervous during practice. Games, yes. I feel tense and tight. If I am in a slump, those feeling increase. My heart beats fast and I think about things too much. You do a really good job helping me handle my nerves before the games. You have a lot of great ideas and stories. After the games, if things don’t go well, it’s all criticism. Then, after about 20 minutes, you are back to being supportive and you help me place everything in perspective. I really wish we could go straight to that and not the 20 minutes of criticism and coaching when I don’t want to hear it. If I could ask you to work on one thing, it would be the time in the car right after the game. Let a little time pass and we can talk about the game in the same way we talk about a Pirates (Pittsburgh) game.”
This was a transformational experience. It allowed me to realize my past experiences (positive and negative) are still part of me watching my children participate in sports. This was an emotional experience that allowed me to realize I am providing my children with excellent psychological tools and support prior to the games. However, I am falling short during the actual competition and (especially) during the car ride home. As I learned in the book Good Inside (2022), by Dr. Becky Kennedy, it is never too late for the ‘repair.’ Sharing with my children that I am human and carry my own baggage and make mistakes is crucial for self-improvement. Sharing your vulnerabilities with you children so they know it’s alright to make mistakes, admit mistakes, and move forward in a psychologically healthy manner is crucial to their development.
Travis Snider and the book Hero (2023) arrived at time when I wanted to improve for my children. I am not much different than a lot of fathers. The vast majority are well intentioned. We are often excellent coaching and supporting the other children on the team. We fall short with our own children due to the emotional connections to them and our past baggage. We can grow. We can improve. But only if we reflect on the root cause of our actions’ and hold the honest conversations with our children.
Sometimes our children are better at this than us! I think of a story from my adult softball days when my children used to sit in the stands and watch our team play. My son was about 9 and I came up to bat with the bases loaded. I hit a weak fly to center to end the inning. On the car ride home, the roles were reversed. My son looked at me and said, “I saw you hit a fly ball with the bases loaded. I know you really wanted to come through for your team. I want to let you know I am always trying to get a hit, but sometimes I hit a fly ball. It happens!” We can learn a lot from our children, and we can also improve through targeted reflection and conversation with our inner child.
References
Kennedy, B. (2022). Good inside: A guide to becoming the parent you want to be. Harper.
Taylor, S. (2023). Hero: Exploring the depths of parenting in the world of youth baseball. 3A Training Product.
Retrieved on September 2, 2024: https://x.com/lunchboxhero45/status/1807753460328153216?s=42
